They make it look so easy...

Most people that we admire; may it be sportsmen, business leaders, writers, artists, entrepreneurs, lovers or a happily married couple, they all make it look so easy to be good at what they do. If it was so easy, the question that often lingers in my mind is, why most of us end up so average and only a few are able to reach the heights of remarkable. (My definition of ‘remarkable’ is something inspiring which is worthy of a remark or something worth talking about to our friends, colleagues or family).

I have tried to study the science of being remarkable over the last few years as I have been in the transition period of improving all areas of my own life from average to something more close to where my potential lies. Over the last few days I have been trying to understand the science that forms the foundations of a successful marriage. (I was going to write ‘a happy marriage’, but I believe happiness is sometimes overrated as its foolish to believe that a marriage or any areas of our life for that matter is going to sustain the emotion of happiness all the time. What’s more important is that it sustains longevity and an overall positive experience filled with growth and prosperity. Happiness is a by-product of the shared experiences shard in good spirit).

Following is the summary of a recent book I read which helped me better understand what it takes to sustain a successful marriage:

1. It’s important to build a life of meaning, purpose, mission, legacy, culture and values.

As a friend reminded me lately (on a comment of facebook) that honeymoon periods end sooner or later. I have always believed that a marriage has the strength to last an eternity if it’s built on a strong foundation of a deeper purpose, mission, legacy, culture or values which both partners are willing to devote their life it. May it be the purpose, mission or values to make a ton of money, to contribute the community, or to help the helpless, or to share a common passion of an art such as music, or to be focused on gifting the world with the treasure of good and capable children, etc. A more meaningful marriage can always guarantee longevity and success.

2.  Be very gentle with one another. Take responsibility for even a small part of the problem instead of pointing fingers at the partner and diagnosing the partner’s personality defects.

Don’t be defensive. When a feedback is given, take it as a constructive feedback and listen to find out more so you can understand the issue and think what you can do to improve yourself. Often most conversations turn sour when any one of the partner looses respect for the other. Its very easy to find excuses and faults in others. Its very difficult to have the courage to keep your cool and understand the situation deep enough to see your part and responsibility in the problem. Often in good marriages, partners know how to be gentle with one another and instead of blaming each other, they both take responsibility for their part in it and move on with the conviction that they will learn from the experience.

3.  Have the ability to Repair. Say I’m sorry and do what is needed to improve.

It’s not too hard to accept your fault and do what’s needed to amend the situation and move on, but not many people do it. I believe that the sooner we learn to overcome our egos, the better its for us and our relationships.

4. Look for what’s going right and appreciate that. Build a culture of appreciation, respect and affection on a moment to moment basis.

As human beings we often have our antennas up to detect things that seem out of the ordinary. As its very easy to point out a person who is naked on the street or a big mole on a person’s face, it’s very easy to find defects in the person and use them to fuel our insecurity or inferiority complex. Good couples keep their antennas up for the positives in their relationship and focus on them to further their relationship from pillar to post. Appreciation and admiration releases the juices in the brain which makes the partner feel loved, its the constant release of the love juices though the days, weeks, months and years which is at the core of any happy and successful relationship.

5. Keep asking, ‘What are your dreams?’, ‘What do you want?’, ‘What do you hope for?’, ‘What do you wish for?’

If there is a genuine love and care for your partner, this will come very naturally. If it doesn’t come naturally, stop lying to yourself, save your breath and just walk away.

6. Just purely Love.

When I look at my partner, sometimes my soul feels totally naked in front of her as I feel that I have surrendered myself totally to her. I have been very transparent to her about myself, my past and my genuine dedication to sustain a healthy relationship in the future for as long as I’m alive.

No path is easy and just like any other journey, in the journey of life with your parther you are bound to come across many mountains to cross, rivers to swim, deserts to travel and the sunny days to sail. The only way a couple can get through all of it is they share a life of common purpose and values, be perpetually gentle with each other, have the ability to repair, appreciate the good, have a genuine interest in the other’s progression and don’t allow any emotion other than pure love to enter the thought about the other.

Sana, thank you for giving me the gift of an amazing relationship which I can hold, learn from, maintain, grow and cherish over the duration of my life.